Readjustment

Written on Saturday, October 2, 2010, morning.

As I sit here on my birthday, sipping peppermint tea and waiting for my roommates to get the hell out of the bathroom so I can take a long, hot bath, I reflect on my present and my future.

At present, I realize that Cyndi Lauper is great morning-after-celebrating music.

The transition back to Deutschland has been a lot rockier and more mentally and emotionally challenging than I ever anticipated. In fact, I did not really anticipate a tough readjustment. I knew I would miss home, and I knew that it would be harder to meet people this time around, but I had no idea to what extent.

The past four weeks here have been full of ups and downs... more downs than ups. That’s not to say that I’m crying and depressed all the time – rather, I’m realizing that getting adjusted to one social group and one way of life, then tearing yourself away from it and starting over gets more difficult the older one gets. (Or, at least, this seems true for me.) When I left my parents’ home for college, I was nothing but excited. When I left for Germany the first time, I prepared hectically for six months in advance, flying around in a flurry of nervous Vorbereitung.

This time, I avoided thinking about leaving until I had to start preparing. I signed the documents and promptly avoided searching for an apartment until a month before takeoff. I didn’t pack until a few days before. I refused to think about the reality of leaving and just floated along, preparing, but not absorbing what it all meant.

I arrived in Germany, had a whirlwind of various lodgings, and finally settled into an apartment. Düsseldorf is fantastic, my job is incredible, my roommates are wonderful. And, yet, I find myself missing home. It’s not that I’d rather be there. It’s not that I’m pining. I just seem, on at least one evening a week, to have no control over my emotions.

Is this growing up? I’m not sure that I like it. Still, this struggle seems important.

After a conversation with a very close and wise friend of mine, I realized that I need this time in Germany, not to have a fun, crazy year of little responsibility and lots of traveling and spontaneous living, but rather, to figure out some more about myself. Instead of focusing on my greatly narrowed geographically-near social network and my inability to enjoy the nightlife as I once did, it’s time to look at my life through a different lens.

Being here, geographically but not communicatively isolated from many people dear to me gives me the opportunity to focus (nearly) solely on me. To assess my life and the way I live. To prepare myself delicious, healthy meals and pamper my body. To wander the city and further alone, reflecting instead of passively absorbing stimulation and entertainment. To make some decisions about my future, post-this-time-in-Germany.

To realize that I have a huge network of people who care. People whom I may only have met once or with whom I was at one time acquainted, but who reach out, who care, and who provide support, no matter where I am in my life or in the world.

To realize how small the world is. Already, I’ve met with two fellow students from Universität Trier who studied abroad at the same time as I. They are also both in the Düsseldorf area, one studying here for the next two years.

I’m starting to assess my future, to try to figure out where I want to guide my life. I know and accept that I can’t control every aspect of it, and I rather like it that way. I don’t want to aim for one job, for one future. I’ve always enjoyed the feeling of anticipation, of not knowing what exactly is coming.

What I can control, to some extent, is in what direction I aim my goals. I am, at least at this point, fairly certain that I want to spend a bit more time in the Twin Cities. I want to continue my education, though I’m not sure to what end. I want to learn more about languages and cultures and communication, and also about natural body care, health care, and living. There are some interesting post-bachelor programs at the U into which I want to look more deeply.

What I do want, overall:

• to be happy

• to be healthy

• to spend great times with those dear to me

I don't think that's too much to hope for.