Fall Break and Back to School

I apologize, dear readers, for my extended absence from the blogging world. You'd think with two weeks of vacation, I'd find time to write more, but, luckily, my time was filled rather nicely with real-world activity.

Last I wrote, it was the middle of the week in my first week of fall break. I was stressed to the limit with a lack of funds, after which there was a small roommate misunderstanding that left me in tears, just wanting to go home. Not to fear, the roommate thing was not a big deal; it's just always a challenge living with other people. Now, try putting four girls from three different continents, two of them being sisters in one apartment. I count my blessings; it could be worse.

In fact, I adore them. Thus far (knock on wood), we haven't even had a girly blow-out. I'm very lucky to have found this place.

During the first weekend of my break, a couple of colleagues of mine from the Fulbright ETA program came to visit me in Düsseldorf. It was a huge relief meeting up with them and being able to talk with them. It turns out that I am far from being the only person with the strange moodswings and hangups about being in Germany. I feel better just knowing that I'm not the only one going through these weird emotions.

Mary (above) and Emily (below) were lovely guests in the city of
Düsseldorf, even buying me a fantastic German lunch of Schnitzel,
Pommes, and Düsseldorfer Altbier, as well as some Glühwein on the
riverfront. "We Fulbrighters have to stick together," they said, and it's
so heartening in confusing times to hear words like that.

Throughout the second week of fall break, my friend and colleague Becky, who is stationed in Göttingen, came to visit. I promise to add more photos and details about that trip in the near future. We had a lovely week filled with great food and good sightseeing. We visited K21, a modern art museum in Düsseldorf - a place I likely would not have seen on my own. (I'm still not sure how a 50-gallon aquarium half-filled with water and two floating basketballs is art, but it was still a good - and free! - time). We had a fairy-tale moment walking up to Schloss (castle) Benrath, a pink baroque castle in the southeast of Düsseldorf, after which we found a tiny, adorable, and cheap Italian eatery. We did a lot of walking and shopping around the Altstadt, and we took a day's excursion to Köln, which is only a 30-minute train ride from Düsseldorf. At the end of her trip, we decided to go out in the Altstadt, which ended up in us trying a new club - that happened to be filled with all people who looked to be over 30. Not super comfortable. (No offense, over-30s... just not my scene yet.) I somehow managed to drop/lose my cell phone, which is a bummer, but hopefully eBay will pull through for me. The most irritating part of that whole deal is that I was completely sober. Boo.

After Becky left, I was exhausted, but I had already agreed to drive with Felix and Sascha, friends from Frankfurt, to a party hosted by my friend Esther in Bielefeld. I wishy-washed back and forth about whether I wanted to go or not (I was running on very little sleep from the week and especially from the night before), but finally decided, following the words of someone near and dear to me: if I don't do it, I'll probably regret it later. So, at 10 pm on Saturday night, I hopped in Sascha's car and made the 2-hour drive to Bielefeld, to arrive and enjoy a senior-citizen-themed party. It ended up being a blast - great conversation and dancing with lots of German students dressed up in grey hair, suspenders, and frumpy dresses.

And, of course, we woke up on Sunday only to find Sascha's car completely boxed in, with a car parked behind him. After much honking and consternation, I suggested we move the trailer parked next to him and shimmy it out. Sascha got extremely frustrated, but I told him to trust Felix and me, and we guided him out. It only took an hour. :/ After some Burger King, we made our way back to Düsseldorf, and I spent the rest of the day attempting to stay awake so that I would sleep through the night.

I went back to school this week, as usual, and it's really nice to be back in some sort of regular schedule. One thing I am learning about myself during this experience (I knew it before, but now I'm positive of it) is that I need a schedule of sorts - timely goals - to keep my sanity in check. Starting next week, I'll be getting more into real teaching, taking part in a politics unit with my 9th graders and giving some short presentations with my 11th graders.

I also am finally registered on the university and have my Semesterticket, which means free public transportation throughout the state of Nordrhein-Westfalen. Thank god. This also means I can make fun little weekend trips to lots of colleagues in the area! Really looking forward to that. I'm taking one class, Düsseldorfer city history and culture, and I'm really enjoying it. I officially tested at a C1 language level, which is advanced. There is only one level higher.

Even more gratifying, though, is my and others' realization that my German language skills have improved immensely. Before even taking the language placement test, I attended one session of the Düsseldorf history class. I told my professor I wasn't registered yet, as I hadn't taken the test, and he said, "Don't worry... you're at the right level [class]." Upon going back to the class last week, I was the only person to have (mostly) fully read the assigned text and to have actually understood it all. And, I didn't think it was that challenging! Additionally, it's crazy to think that, six years ago, when I first knew Esther in the U.S., we spoke only English together and I knew hardly a word of German. Now, we only speak German with each other!

I still have my crazy ups and downs here in Germany. Each day comes with its own intense moments of homesickness and content moments of clarity and happiness. I know now, though, that this experience, while not going to be easy, is going to be a challenge that is worth getting through. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself, which I hope to keep in mind during my next steps and incorporate in my life, wherever I may end up.

Pleite

Well, now I can add another new experience to my list: being broke.

It's funny how knowing you only have 50 Euros to get you through until you get paid can make you sick to your stomach.

It'd sure be nice if I knew when I get paid.

(Mom, if you're reading this, don't get overworried. Check your e-mail.)

I was sitting relatively pretty up until today. I was a bit concerned about making rent next month, as rent is due on November 3, and I have no idea when I will get paid. We were told our first payment deposit could take from 4-8 weeks. My eight-week mark will be the first Friday in November. However, I had a few hundred dollars left as a little cushion in my American bank account. I've been living frugally, but still enjoying fresh produce and the occasional 1,25€ frozen salmon filet.

As of this afternoon, that bank account will also be depleted.

The good news first? I finally have been accepted as a student at Heinrich-Heine-Universität Düsseldorf. Why this has been so important to achieve? My school is a 40+ minute commute from my apartment. If I paid the public transportation fees daily, that would cost me 9€ per day. A monthly ticket would cost me around 80€ per month. Those are prices I just can't afford.

Your next question may be how I have been affording these costs until now. Well... let's just say I haven't. And the two times there were controllers checking tickets on my trains and buses, I got lucky.

As a student, I only have to pay a 216,92€ fee one time per semester. This gets me a student ID, which doubles as a fully functional public transportation ticket within the entire state of Nordrhein-Westfalen. It will be good until the middle of next March.

You can certainly see why being a student in Germany is so important to me.

And, this brings me back to how I went from comfortable to a little freaked out in one day. After playing paperwork shuffle and office-visit-and-e-mail-tag with a worker in the International Office at the university for literally the entire past month, I finally received an e-mail this morning informing me that I have been accepted as a student at HHUD. To matriculate, I simply need to drop by a Mr. Ponce de Leon's office (yes, that apparently really is his name, which is awesome) on Friday morning, and bring proof of health insurance, a self-addressed, stamped envelope in which my student ID will be mailed to me, and a receipt proving I've paid my Sozialbeitrag, or student fees.

I don't want to push the German bureaucracy by delaying my matriculation any longer. To matriculate, I need to pay this fee. To get my Semesterticket ASAP for the public transportation, I need to pay this fee ASAP. I also can't afford to get caught mid-Schwarzfahrt ("black ride") on my way to or from school. The fine for that is a minimum of 40€. In the interest of self-preservation and legality, let it be said that I'm not saying I do that... I'm just sayin'. Y'know.

That leaves me with 50,54€ in cash assets until I get paid. Minus a 1,45€ stamp for my self-addressed, stamped envelope. Yes, I counted.

Come on, Pädagogischer Austauschdienst... don't let me down now.

Thoughts on thoughts

I finally feel like I'm starting to fall into life here and figure out where I fit. Tomorrow, next week, I may not feel the same, but tonight is comforting.

Beginning today, I have a two-and-a-half week Herbstferien, a fall vacation. German school schedules are far different from America's; instead of having school nearly straight through from August or September until May or June, Germans begin school in August and go into July. Within the school year are three major breaks in addition to the roughly one-month-long summer break. Each of the three breaks is two weeks long - big tests are generally scheduled right before the break. In my opinion, this is a superior school schedule to America's; the vacation times break up the year and keep students from getting too bogged down, and no one needs a three month summer break. Students get bored, and the entire fall semester back is spent in review, attempting to refresh students on material already learned.

Interestingly, Obama is looking to change that a bit.

Anyway, I now have two and a half weeks stretching ahead of me. No meetings, no commitments, no work... and still no money. Still no payment. Even the fact that, when I do receive my stipend, it will be for over two months of backpay, is not very consoling, as most of those Euros already have someone's name on them. (Digression: check out that amazing sentence: four commas. Yikes.)

So, what does one do with two weeks and limited resources? My plan: walk. Discover Düsseldorf. Cook meals. Take long baths. Research my future. Attempt to finally goddamn get registered at the university. (This process is getting really old.)

Life is already looking better than a week ago. Deciding to approach this experience from a different angle has already made a difference. My days are quiet... much, much quieter than I am used to. A typical day involves a maximum of 5-6 hours of work (pre- and proceeded by a nearly one-hour commute). I am back home no later than 3 pm. From there, I walk four blocks to Karolingerplatz, an adorable, colorful area full of cute shops. I buy groceries for the day, walk home, catch up with things online and prepare for the next day at school. Around 6:30, I meet with my Irish friend Adriana, and we walk around the city for 1-2 hours. I come back home, make a nice dinner, talk with my roommates, and sleep. When I don't work, the routine is similar, except I get a stretched-out breakfast and often have to come up with a goal to accomplish that gets me out of my house and walking somewhere.

These goals are silly: Buy pink eyeshadow. Buy scissors. Find the nearest gym. Create posters advertising my English tutoring skills. The next day, go to a university and attempt to figure out the official process for hanging up said posters. Silly, small goals, but, as stated, things that get me up, moving, showered, dressed, and out of the house. Things that get me walking and moving and keeping my sanity. Things that actually can take quite a bit of time when you slow them down and make them into individual goals, rather than throwing them on your Wal-Mart shopping list and trying to fill your cart during your 30-minute lunch break and still make it back to work/class on time.

I am still learning here. I'm remembering the importance of slowing down, of enjoying every moment. I'm learning how to give my life meaning, how to develop my own self-drive and not just tumble through someone else's time constraints. I'm realizing the importance of physical health and how it seriously impacts mental and emotional health.

For the first time tonight, I just laid in bed and thought. I didn't realize I was doing it. I had planned to meet up with other teachers-in-training from my school and have a drink in the Altstadt tonight (such an interesting German custom... more on that in the future), but, an hour before leaving my house, I felt exhausted with a persistent sinus headache. I gracefully bowed out, worried that I may be screwing up a good opportunity to better know my colleagues and peers. And, maybe I did. But, the following four hours of evening have not been boring, as expected.

I sat with my computer in front of my face for much of my evening, idly browsing for entertainment. What I realized, though, was that the computer was just a front. What I really spent my evening doing was meditating, though not formally or mindfully. For the first time, I was content to just be and think. Reflect on my life at this point. Surprisingly, my thoughts came rather clearly, but they did not upset me. Arguably, my uncertainty about many elements of my present and future could get me rather worked up (and usually do when I consciously cogitate upon them), but this time, my brain just watched and processed.

In my hectic American life, this was not a skill I used to cherish. Only in the past few years, through personal experiences as well as exposure to some Eastern religious ideas, have I begun to think about the benefit of a simpler, quieter, slower-paced life. Now, I actually have the opportunity to start practicing.

Wilkommen Russland!

According to my blog stats, I can now claim one more country (and entire continent) in my readership!

Welcome, Russia!

Readjustment

Written on Saturday, October 2, 2010, morning.

As I sit here on my birthday, sipping peppermint tea and waiting for my roommates to get the hell out of the bathroom so I can take a long, hot bath, I reflect on my present and my future.

At present, I realize that Cyndi Lauper is great morning-after-celebrating music.

The transition back to Deutschland has been a lot rockier and more mentally and emotionally challenging than I ever anticipated. In fact, I did not really anticipate a tough readjustment. I knew I would miss home, and I knew that it would be harder to meet people this time around, but I had no idea to what extent.

The past four weeks here have been full of ups and downs... more downs than ups. That’s not to say that I’m crying and depressed all the time – rather, I’m realizing that getting adjusted to one social group and one way of life, then tearing yourself away from it and starting over gets more difficult the older one gets. (Or, at least, this seems true for me.) When I left my parents’ home for college, I was nothing but excited. When I left for Germany the first time, I prepared hectically for six months in advance, flying around in a flurry of nervous Vorbereitung.

This time, I avoided thinking about leaving until I had to start preparing. I signed the documents and promptly avoided searching for an apartment until a month before takeoff. I didn’t pack until a few days before. I refused to think about the reality of leaving and just floated along, preparing, but not absorbing what it all meant.

I arrived in Germany, had a whirlwind of various lodgings, and finally settled into an apartment. Düsseldorf is fantastic, my job is incredible, my roommates are wonderful. And, yet, I find myself missing home. It’s not that I’d rather be there. It’s not that I’m pining. I just seem, on at least one evening a week, to have no control over my emotions.

Is this growing up? I’m not sure that I like it. Still, this struggle seems important.

After a conversation with a very close and wise friend of mine, I realized that I need this time in Germany, not to have a fun, crazy year of little responsibility and lots of traveling and spontaneous living, but rather, to figure out some more about myself. Instead of focusing on my greatly narrowed geographically-near social network and my inability to enjoy the nightlife as I once did, it’s time to look at my life through a different lens.

Being here, geographically but not communicatively isolated from many people dear to me gives me the opportunity to focus (nearly) solely on me. To assess my life and the way I live. To prepare myself delicious, healthy meals and pamper my body. To wander the city and further alone, reflecting instead of passively absorbing stimulation and entertainment. To make some decisions about my future, post-this-time-in-Germany.

To realize that I have a huge network of people who care. People whom I may only have met once or with whom I was at one time acquainted, but who reach out, who care, and who provide support, no matter where I am in my life or in the world.

To realize how small the world is. Already, I’ve met with two fellow students from Universität Trier who studied abroad at the same time as I. They are also both in the Düsseldorf area, one studying here for the next two years.

I’m starting to assess my future, to try to figure out where I want to guide my life. I know and accept that I can’t control every aspect of it, and I rather like it that way. I don’t want to aim for one job, for one future. I’ve always enjoyed the feeling of anticipation, of not knowing what exactly is coming.

What I can control, to some extent, is in what direction I aim my goals. I am, at least at this point, fairly certain that I want to spend a bit more time in the Twin Cities. I want to continue my education, though I’m not sure to what end. I want to learn more about languages and cultures and communication, and also about natural body care, health care, and living. There are some interesting post-bachelor programs at the U into which I want to look more deeply.

What I do want, overall:

• to be happy

• to be healthy

• to spend great times with those dear to me

I don't think that's too much to hope for.