A New Year

Well, I was lucky enough (or dumb enough; see: finances, emotions) to come back to my parents' home for the holidays. I am so glad, regardless of the more than a month's pay it cost me, that I made the decision to buy plane tickets and come home for Christmas. It feels so good to be here.

I know I'm going to have a tough time going back to Düsseldorf.

But, I've decided to buck up. I'm nearing the halfway mark of my contract now, and I can soon start a countdown. I have a feeling that such a countdown may not be healthy, but damn, it will feel good. I've also decided that New Year's Day does not constitute the beginning of a new year, new phase for me. I'm going to use it as a reminder to change my attitude... and then, at the end of my contract, I'm going to celebrate, call it a "new year," and move into a new phase in my life.

So, as such, with this new attitude business, I'm just going to renew my efforts to try to get involved in Düsseldorf, to take some classes that will be fun and help me meet people, and to travel around and meet friends old and new. Sure, this will not at all help me to save any money, but at this point, I think my happiness is more important.

Happy new year to all, and hopefully I'll be blogging about more positive feelings and experiences in 2011.

Recent Happenings

So, I promised you an update on recent happenings.

Here it comes.

During the week of Thanksgiving (that's American Thanksgiving, which takes place on the fourth Thursday of the month of November, for those of you internationals who weren't sure), I took part in a seminar for area teaching assistants in Düsseldorf. All assistants from the Bezirksregierungen (governmental regions) Düsseldorf and Münster were required to attend. Even though I live a mere 7-minute bus ride from the youth hostel at which we were housed for two nights, I decided to pack up my backpack and camp out there, as well, as I hoped it would provide a good opportunity to meet and network with area colleagues.

And, boy, was I right.

On the first day, we arrived, ate lunch together, then headed to the Landestag, the government building for the state of Nordrhein-Westfalen. There, we were greeted with coffee and about seven different varieties of cake, followed by a presentation by the guy who pays us, a short tour of the building, and a Q&A with the Schulministerin (Minister of Education) of Nordrhein-Westfalen. Really a cool opportunity when I stop to think about it; it's amazing how many things I take for granted here.

My roommates during the seminar,

two Russians and a Brit.

The second day was spent driving around the area, taking a whirlwind of tours, and learning about the industrial history and the continuing consequences thereof of my region, the Ruhrgebiet. We went through a regional museum housed in a former coal washing plant in Essen, visited an outer space exhibit complete with the "world's largest sculpture of the moon" in a former natural gas storage tank (that looks like an 11-story oil drum), and took a night tour of a former blast oven/iron smelting plant.

A few notes on the blast oven plant, since I think it is super interesting and deserves a bit more detail: as mentioned, this tour took place in the dark. We're talking pitch-black dark. Clambering up and down seven stories' worth of slippery metal stairs on the outside of giant old coal ovens in the cold drizzle. Did I mention pitch-black? Oh, except for the bright colored lights that blinded me as I attempted to see the next step in front of me on my way down said slippery metal stairs. That is forgiveable, though, as the light exhibition was designed by the same guy who used to design lighting for Pink Floyd concerts.

Not even the dark side of the moon tonight.

Such a tour would've never flown in the U.S. Not without signing your life away for insurance purposes, anyway.

All in all, though many people whined about the cold and the dark, I thought it was awesome.

After our activities each night, we were given free time to socialize, eat dinner, wander around the city, et cetera. This proved to be a great time to get to know people better. We spent the first night wandering around the Christmas markets and dining in a fantastic Lebanese restaurant. The night capped with a large group of assistants meeting in an Irish pub for a drink. The second night, we were exhausted after all the running around, but I still managed to eat pizza for dinner with my Russian roommates, then had a later-night drink at the hostel with one of them.

Enjoying Glühwein at the Christmas markets

with four Spaniards, an American, a Brit, and a Russian.

After a discussion about our experience thus far and a city tour (oh yay, of my own city) the next day, the seminar ended, but the three days really did help give me a better perspective on my time here. I met a lot of great people who live in the area and who are going through similar emotions and experiences as I am. I have determined since then to really step up my efforts in reaching out, being friendly, and making opportunities for myself, not just waiting for them to come to me.

I am attempting to get more involved in my school, by volunteering to take on parts of classes and even entire lessons to teach. This week, I am presenting a short bit on Thanksgiving (as my eighth graders have been studying Pilgrim/Native American history, and I wasn't at school during Thanksgiving week). Next week, I'll be doing a whole section on 9/11 conspiracies for my grade 13ers.

In my social life, I am also trying to push myself a bit past comfort. On Thursday, I went to Oberhausen to visit a friend/colleague, Alicia, and we had a great afternoon wandering the giant American-style mall and watching "The Big Bang Theory". (Didn't accomplish any Christmas shopping, but I've never been good at planning ahead in that area.) On Friday, my friend/colleague Katherine came to visit from Dortmund, and we spent the afternoon eating pasta, knitting, and watching Home Alone 2. (Man, I love holiday movies.) Saturday evening, I accompanied my friend Marine to an international dinner one of her friends was hosting in Aachen. I am so glad I went - I was able to enjoy raclette (see last paragraph under link) with a group consisting of four Germans, a Frenchie, a Portuguese, a Brit and a South African, and an Algerian. English, German, and French were spoken freely around the table, and not only did I understand all the conversations, I was even able to help translate some of them!

I think life here is getting better, or at least, I can say that I'm starting to develop a comfortable network and routine. Although it's a shame, in a way, that I'll be uprooting and relocating again in a few short months, I am trying to constantly remind myself that this really is potentially a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and the things that I take for granted (like people from so many different countries being all in one place at one time) are really quite unique and cool.

Taking control of my own happiness

Hello all,

I know I fell off the face of the blogging world again for the last month. My sincere apologies for that. It's just hard for me to blog unless I'm in the right mood, and the last month was definitely a personal challenge for me.

Living in Germany is still a challenge for me, I've gotta say. It does seem to be getting slowly better, though, which is a relief. I guess I had expected that, along with the Fulbright, such a prestigious award, or so I'm told, I would gain all sorts of wonderful and impressive professional knowledge and experience.

Au contraire, my friends. This experience in Germany has been and is going to be a nearly completely personal growth adventure, I'm quite certain. I've been experiencing a lot of loneliness, and not for any good reason, really. I've met a few wonderful people, my environment is quite all right... I'm just somehow not content here. I don't feel very necessary in my job (though the kids and my colleagues are all lovely), there have been some unnecessary and ridiculous issues with one roommate in particular (though the others, and even the problem one are very sweet and friendly and great), and I just miss home. I miss my social network, the friends and family with whom I have spent so many hours and with whom I feel so comfortable.

I've started realizing that part of it may perhaps be the fact that I am in a massive urban area, and maybe I am just not cut out to live in such a place. At the beginning of last week, I took part in a three-day seminar with foreign language assistants from the Düsseldorf area. We went to museums and such highlighting the highly-industrial nature of this region, and I had the good fortune to meet a lot of great people who all live near me. Thank god. However, I'll save the details for another post (which I promise to write before another month goes by), and get to my point. During one of our tours, I went up to an observation deck on top of a former natural gas storage tank, 11 stories high. I was amazed to realize that, for as far as the eye can see in every direction, there are people and highways and buildings and huge industrial plants. One of the tour guides mentioned that my region is known for the way one can go from one city to another to another and never realize quite which city he's in, as they all just touch and blend into each other.

I was somehow shocked to learn this. I guess I'd just never considered it before. I knew that, every morning, when I wake up, I get to clear green gunk from my throat and figured it was due to air pollution. I also knew that it bothered me a bit that there is really nowhere quiet and green and "wild" feeling around me. Seeing and hearing about the unending people, though, I really started to think. When I flew to France a few weeks ago (oh, yeah, I flew to France a few weeks ago... I'll speak more about that in a future post, as well), I was nose-to-the-window, trying to inhale the view of green plots of farmland and sparse villages. I also felt very content in Lyon, a city with lots of open, quiet spaces. It didn't occur to me until after I left that perhaps all this is telling me that I'm just not a super-urban girl.

In a conversation with my friend Megan a month or so ago, I relayed some of my feelings about being here, and she asked me , "So, are you going to stick it out all the way, then?" This question actually shocked me. I had never, ever considered giving up and just going home. I could. It is always a possibility. I won't, though. My aunt Kim told me one day that she has always been proud of me for pushing through everything I've ever taken on. These words mean a lot to me, and I guess I'm just that kind of person; I signed up for this, and I'm going to finish it, no matter what it takes.

Besides, through talking with my peers, it is likely not just Germany that is screwing with my head, but also my phase in life. It sounds like a lot of my fellow 2010 graduates are feeling just as lost as I am, not knowing what's in their futures or which direction to even aim. As my wonderful Romain brought up, I could be feeling the exact same that I am now, even if I were at home.

So, I'll stick it out. And, as my friend Mary in Aachen posted on Facebook, it's time to take control of my own happiness.

God, I love my friends. So much wisdom packed into such lovely people.

Fall Break and Back to School

I apologize, dear readers, for my extended absence from the blogging world. You'd think with two weeks of vacation, I'd find time to write more, but, luckily, my time was filled rather nicely with real-world activity.

Last I wrote, it was the middle of the week in my first week of fall break. I was stressed to the limit with a lack of funds, after which there was a small roommate misunderstanding that left me in tears, just wanting to go home. Not to fear, the roommate thing was not a big deal; it's just always a challenge living with other people. Now, try putting four girls from three different continents, two of them being sisters in one apartment. I count my blessings; it could be worse.

In fact, I adore them. Thus far (knock on wood), we haven't even had a girly blow-out. I'm very lucky to have found this place.

During the first weekend of my break, a couple of colleagues of mine from the Fulbright ETA program came to visit me in Düsseldorf. It was a huge relief meeting up with them and being able to talk with them. It turns out that I am far from being the only person with the strange moodswings and hangups about being in Germany. I feel better just knowing that I'm not the only one going through these weird emotions.

Mary (above) and Emily (below) were lovely guests in the city of
Düsseldorf, even buying me a fantastic German lunch of Schnitzel,
Pommes, and Düsseldorfer Altbier, as well as some Glühwein on the
riverfront. "We Fulbrighters have to stick together," they said, and it's
so heartening in confusing times to hear words like that.

Throughout the second week of fall break, my friend and colleague Becky, who is stationed in Göttingen, came to visit. I promise to add more photos and details about that trip in the near future. We had a lovely week filled with great food and good sightseeing. We visited K21, a modern art museum in Düsseldorf - a place I likely would not have seen on my own. (I'm still not sure how a 50-gallon aquarium half-filled with water and two floating basketballs is art, but it was still a good - and free! - time). We had a fairy-tale moment walking up to Schloss (castle) Benrath, a pink baroque castle in the southeast of Düsseldorf, after which we found a tiny, adorable, and cheap Italian eatery. We did a lot of walking and shopping around the Altstadt, and we took a day's excursion to Köln, which is only a 30-minute train ride from Düsseldorf. At the end of her trip, we decided to go out in the Altstadt, which ended up in us trying a new club - that happened to be filled with all people who looked to be over 30. Not super comfortable. (No offense, over-30s... just not my scene yet.) I somehow managed to drop/lose my cell phone, which is a bummer, but hopefully eBay will pull through for me. The most irritating part of that whole deal is that I was completely sober. Boo.

After Becky left, I was exhausted, but I had already agreed to drive with Felix and Sascha, friends from Frankfurt, to a party hosted by my friend Esther in Bielefeld. I wishy-washed back and forth about whether I wanted to go or not (I was running on very little sleep from the week and especially from the night before), but finally decided, following the words of someone near and dear to me: if I don't do it, I'll probably regret it later. So, at 10 pm on Saturday night, I hopped in Sascha's car and made the 2-hour drive to Bielefeld, to arrive and enjoy a senior-citizen-themed party. It ended up being a blast - great conversation and dancing with lots of German students dressed up in grey hair, suspenders, and frumpy dresses.

And, of course, we woke up on Sunday only to find Sascha's car completely boxed in, with a car parked behind him. After much honking and consternation, I suggested we move the trailer parked next to him and shimmy it out. Sascha got extremely frustrated, but I told him to trust Felix and me, and we guided him out. It only took an hour. :/ After some Burger King, we made our way back to Düsseldorf, and I spent the rest of the day attempting to stay awake so that I would sleep through the night.

I went back to school this week, as usual, and it's really nice to be back in some sort of regular schedule. One thing I am learning about myself during this experience (I knew it before, but now I'm positive of it) is that I need a schedule of sorts - timely goals - to keep my sanity in check. Starting next week, I'll be getting more into real teaching, taking part in a politics unit with my 9th graders and giving some short presentations with my 11th graders.

I also am finally registered on the university and have my Semesterticket, which means free public transportation throughout the state of Nordrhein-Westfalen. Thank god. This also means I can make fun little weekend trips to lots of colleagues in the area! Really looking forward to that. I'm taking one class, Düsseldorfer city history and culture, and I'm really enjoying it. I officially tested at a C1 language level, which is advanced. There is only one level higher.

Even more gratifying, though, is my and others' realization that my German language skills have improved immensely. Before even taking the language placement test, I attended one session of the Düsseldorf history class. I told my professor I wasn't registered yet, as I hadn't taken the test, and he said, "Don't worry... you're at the right level [class]." Upon going back to the class last week, I was the only person to have (mostly) fully read the assigned text and to have actually understood it all. And, I didn't think it was that challenging! Additionally, it's crazy to think that, six years ago, when I first knew Esther in the U.S., we spoke only English together and I knew hardly a word of German. Now, we only speak German with each other!

I still have my crazy ups and downs here in Germany. Each day comes with its own intense moments of homesickness and content moments of clarity and happiness. I know now, though, that this experience, while not going to be easy, is going to be a challenge that is worth getting through. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself, which I hope to keep in mind during my next steps and incorporate in my life, wherever I may end up.

Pleite

Well, now I can add another new experience to my list: being broke.

It's funny how knowing you only have 50 Euros to get you through until you get paid can make you sick to your stomach.

It'd sure be nice if I knew when I get paid.

(Mom, if you're reading this, don't get overworried. Check your e-mail.)

I was sitting relatively pretty up until today. I was a bit concerned about making rent next month, as rent is due on November 3, and I have no idea when I will get paid. We were told our first payment deposit could take from 4-8 weeks. My eight-week mark will be the first Friday in November. However, I had a few hundred dollars left as a little cushion in my American bank account. I've been living frugally, but still enjoying fresh produce and the occasional 1,25€ frozen salmon filet.

As of this afternoon, that bank account will also be depleted.

The good news first? I finally have been accepted as a student at Heinrich-Heine-Universität Düsseldorf. Why this has been so important to achieve? My school is a 40+ minute commute from my apartment. If I paid the public transportation fees daily, that would cost me 9€ per day. A monthly ticket would cost me around 80€ per month. Those are prices I just can't afford.

Your next question may be how I have been affording these costs until now. Well... let's just say I haven't. And the two times there were controllers checking tickets on my trains and buses, I got lucky.

As a student, I only have to pay a 216,92€ fee one time per semester. This gets me a student ID, which doubles as a fully functional public transportation ticket within the entire state of Nordrhein-Westfalen. It will be good until the middle of next March.

You can certainly see why being a student in Germany is so important to me.

And, this brings me back to how I went from comfortable to a little freaked out in one day. After playing paperwork shuffle and office-visit-and-e-mail-tag with a worker in the International Office at the university for literally the entire past month, I finally received an e-mail this morning informing me that I have been accepted as a student at HHUD. To matriculate, I simply need to drop by a Mr. Ponce de Leon's office (yes, that apparently really is his name, which is awesome) on Friday morning, and bring proof of health insurance, a self-addressed, stamped envelope in which my student ID will be mailed to me, and a receipt proving I've paid my Sozialbeitrag, or student fees.

I don't want to push the German bureaucracy by delaying my matriculation any longer. To matriculate, I need to pay this fee. To get my Semesterticket ASAP for the public transportation, I need to pay this fee ASAP. I also can't afford to get caught mid-Schwarzfahrt ("black ride") on my way to or from school. The fine for that is a minimum of 40€. In the interest of self-preservation and legality, let it be said that I'm not saying I do that... I'm just sayin'. Y'know.

That leaves me with 50,54€ in cash assets until I get paid. Minus a 1,45€ stamp for my self-addressed, stamped envelope. Yes, I counted.

Come on, Pädagogischer Austauschdienst... don't let me down now.

Thoughts on thoughts

I finally feel like I'm starting to fall into life here and figure out where I fit. Tomorrow, next week, I may not feel the same, but tonight is comforting.

Beginning today, I have a two-and-a-half week Herbstferien, a fall vacation. German school schedules are far different from America's; instead of having school nearly straight through from August or September until May or June, Germans begin school in August and go into July. Within the school year are three major breaks in addition to the roughly one-month-long summer break. Each of the three breaks is two weeks long - big tests are generally scheduled right before the break. In my opinion, this is a superior school schedule to America's; the vacation times break up the year and keep students from getting too bogged down, and no one needs a three month summer break. Students get bored, and the entire fall semester back is spent in review, attempting to refresh students on material already learned.

Interestingly, Obama is looking to change that a bit.

Anyway, I now have two and a half weeks stretching ahead of me. No meetings, no commitments, no work... and still no money. Still no payment. Even the fact that, when I do receive my stipend, it will be for over two months of backpay, is not very consoling, as most of those Euros already have someone's name on them. (Digression: check out that amazing sentence: four commas. Yikes.)

So, what does one do with two weeks and limited resources? My plan: walk. Discover Düsseldorf. Cook meals. Take long baths. Research my future. Attempt to finally goddamn get registered at the university. (This process is getting really old.)

Life is already looking better than a week ago. Deciding to approach this experience from a different angle has already made a difference. My days are quiet... much, much quieter than I am used to. A typical day involves a maximum of 5-6 hours of work (pre- and proceeded by a nearly one-hour commute). I am back home no later than 3 pm. From there, I walk four blocks to Karolingerplatz, an adorable, colorful area full of cute shops. I buy groceries for the day, walk home, catch up with things online and prepare for the next day at school. Around 6:30, I meet with my Irish friend Adriana, and we walk around the city for 1-2 hours. I come back home, make a nice dinner, talk with my roommates, and sleep. When I don't work, the routine is similar, except I get a stretched-out breakfast and often have to come up with a goal to accomplish that gets me out of my house and walking somewhere.

These goals are silly: Buy pink eyeshadow. Buy scissors. Find the nearest gym. Create posters advertising my English tutoring skills. The next day, go to a university and attempt to figure out the official process for hanging up said posters. Silly, small goals, but, as stated, things that get me up, moving, showered, dressed, and out of the house. Things that get me walking and moving and keeping my sanity. Things that actually can take quite a bit of time when you slow them down and make them into individual goals, rather than throwing them on your Wal-Mart shopping list and trying to fill your cart during your 30-minute lunch break and still make it back to work/class on time.

I am still learning here. I'm remembering the importance of slowing down, of enjoying every moment. I'm learning how to give my life meaning, how to develop my own self-drive and not just tumble through someone else's time constraints. I'm realizing the importance of physical health and how it seriously impacts mental and emotional health.

For the first time tonight, I just laid in bed and thought. I didn't realize I was doing it. I had planned to meet up with other teachers-in-training from my school and have a drink in the Altstadt tonight (such an interesting German custom... more on that in the future), but, an hour before leaving my house, I felt exhausted with a persistent sinus headache. I gracefully bowed out, worried that I may be screwing up a good opportunity to better know my colleagues and peers. And, maybe I did. But, the following four hours of evening have not been boring, as expected.

I sat with my computer in front of my face for much of my evening, idly browsing for entertainment. What I realized, though, was that the computer was just a front. What I really spent my evening doing was meditating, though not formally or mindfully. For the first time, I was content to just be and think. Reflect on my life at this point. Surprisingly, my thoughts came rather clearly, but they did not upset me. Arguably, my uncertainty about many elements of my present and future could get me rather worked up (and usually do when I consciously cogitate upon them), but this time, my brain just watched and processed.

In my hectic American life, this was not a skill I used to cherish. Only in the past few years, through personal experiences as well as exposure to some Eastern religious ideas, have I begun to think about the benefit of a simpler, quieter, slower-paced life. Now, I actually have the opportunity to start practicing.

Wilkommen Russland!

According to my blog stats, I can now claim one more country (and entire continent) in my readership!

Welcome, Russia!